urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo amanda amanda 2009-11-25T21:18:09Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:44037 2009-11-25T21:18:09Z 2009-11-25T21:18:09Z So, today at preschool Shiloh's friend Dominic told him they weren't best buddies anymore. And that he didn't want Shiloh to sit by him. And Shiloh told me that he didn't play with anyone today, he only did puzzles by himself because nobody is his friend.<br />This made me horribly sad!<br />So, I took him home, where I told the story to my brother who immediately said "Well Shiloh, I'm your best buddy anyway, so it doesn't matter!" Then he took him outside to play soccer, where they made up a secret handshake that ends with them both saying 'best friends forever'. I cried, I'm such a girl.<br />My brother is amazing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:43779 2009-10-18T22:34:57Z 2009-10-18T22:34:57Z dude. I got drunk this weekend and had sex with joe walker. WTF???<br />I barely even remember it. I have no idea why I was hanging out with him, I don't know how I got to his house, and I only have slight memories of the actual deed. <br />This means I need to stop drinking to such excess. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:43742 2009-10-15T00:43:52Z 2009-10-15T00:43:52Z I just got fired from my job this afternoon. Except... it was totally more like I was being dumped!<br />Seriously, my boss was like "I really hope we can still be friends" and "It wasn't your work performance, it was that the center and you just aren't a good fit"<br />And then she called me later on this evening, to make sure there were no hard feelings. And she wanted to set up time for us to hang out later this week.<br /><br />Odd, really odd. My boss just dumped me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:43484 2009-10-06T00:50:27Z 2009-10-06T00:50:27Z So. I may or may not be hanging out with Colin again. You should probably pick 'may'. And, we talked about intentions, and how we wanted to take things really slow and see whats changed since last time and how we've grown up... which sounds great, right?<br />Except, ya know. It's Colin. You know that I won't actually be capable of taking things slow, physically or emotionally. Even if he can, I realize that in my own head I'm already making plans and setting up expectations that I know are unreasonable at this stage.<br />I'll never get this right. But at least if I can act casual, can keep the crazy to a minimum, then things might work out, right?<br />Ugh. It's the family thing, the fact that if we were together it would be Colin, me, and baby makes three. I can't resist the dream.<br />I haven't gone to class hardly at all in the past week. I don't even really feel bad about it, I'm already accepting the fact that I'm just not going to do well this semester.<br />Thats all for tonight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:43217 2009-09-16T00:07:17Z 2009-09-16T00:07:17Z So, I'm trying this whole Christianity thing. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. But...<br />I have been feeling lonely and desperate, and I kinda have been toying with the idea of getting back with Colin. We even hung out last night, and had a great time, and had plans to hang out tonight. But, I mean, we all know that its a bad idea, right?<br />And tonight, I told him I'd be done with work around 530 and come over. Instead, I got sucked into a Bible Study. I tried to call and say I'd be late, but he didn't get the message. When I finally got a hold of him at 7, he was pissed off and had made other plans.<br />I'm feeling really conflicted, I'm angry that I went to the Bible study and now messed up things with Colin, but I'm also thinking maybe its a sign that I really shouldn't be getting involved.<br />Is He that blatant? Do I even believe in the whole'Him' thing? I don't know. I'm baffled. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:42819 2009-08-13T01:04:36Z 2009-08-13T01:04:36Z My mom's husband has decided that he's done with Chemo. I understand why he made the decision, I get that he wants to spend whatever time he has left with his family doing normal things, and not being miserable and sick all the time. But I'm so horribly sad. And I'm terrified for my mom, I know that when he goes then she's going to go off the deep end. (I know that's a selfish thought, but I knew her first and worry about her a lot.)<br />I'm just concerned, without the chemo he will most likely die in the next 6 months (if he makes it that long.)<br />I'll never get used to death. I don't think anyone does, but the reality of our situation is hitting me right now. I've been going "Oh, well they said he could live __ more years/months, somehow he's going to be the exception..." except now it's obvious that he won't be. Things are getting worse, and I'm not good at dealing with it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:42729 2009-07-30T14:50:01Z 2009-07-30T14:50:01Z I can't even pretend to not be as excited as I really am.<br />I met a boy! And he is just like the type I usually like, but as he's 27 he's more mature (mostly) so I don't have to deal with all the little boy bullshit.<br />I'm finally dating again.<br />It makes me have butterflies. I almost forgot how nice it is to have someone actually care about you, to want to know what you're doing and how you're feeling. I cuddled on the couch with him for hours last night. It was so innocent, just a little kissing, a lot of cuddling and giggling... I missed this so much.<br /><br />I'm a little apprehensive that I'm going to read too much into things, I don't want to get hurt again. But I also feel like he's different, like he genuinely wants it all to work out.<br /><br />(I even got drunk and cried at him, and he doesn't drink, and he just let me cry and held me and didn't hold it against me at all later. Good guy.) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:42327 2009-07-02T03:58:00Z 2009-07-02T03:58:00Z I just got propositioned. To go to AA. By an 18 year old boy.<br />Not kidding. He's this kid who I mentored at Peace Jam, and I guess he had a problem with X or something, and so he went to AA and changed his life and bla bla bla. And now he's "heard about my situation" and was preaching at me.<br /><br />Hah. I forgot people were like this, as my mom hasn't been to rehab for a while.<br />He seriously told me "it works if you work it". And asked me to get a sponsor.<br />I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but he was being so sincere that all I could do was politely listen to his advice and fume.<br /><br />I have never been a one-size-fits-all girl. I have my own program that I'm following to fix any problems that I think need fixing. I don't need to admit that I'm powerless to anything, because believing that would make it true and that's already a problem for me. <br /><br />I'm not powerless. I can do anything I set my mind to. If I try hard enough, I will succeed. Don't take away my strength, my free will. (I hate AA. The program gives me the heebie jeebies. I think it's cult like, and that there are many better ways to deal with any addiction that by plugging in to a program.)<br /><br />My plan: go to a psychiatrist. Talk about what really bothers me. Talk about finding better coping skills than booze. Find some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety combo that actually works. Keep at it.<br /><br />And according to AA, that means I'm just a "dry drunk", biding my time until I have my next drink. Fuck off. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:42158 2009-06-26T01:18:58Z 2009-06-26T01:18:58Z My job is slowly starting to become better. I've been working crazy hours this week, pulling lots of long days. And while I am still not doing as well as I could be, I'm reading and watching and trying to learn everything I can to become a better teacher.<br /><br />Yesterday I got my kids set up in centers, everything was peaceful, I was able to walk around and teach while everyone had a great time, and it was a really good feeling!<br /><br />I win small battles. I got Ethan to write me a story this week. I got Mavrick to get into the pool, I got Riley interested in making patterns with the blocks. My whole class is excited about reading The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. These things don't sound like much, but gosh they make me feel good!<br /><br />Plus... there's a boy there. He's 26, has a daughter of his own, is a reformed bad boy... and knows all my faults already. We'll see how that goes! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:41881 2009-06-14T01:27:21Z 2009-06-14T01:27:21Z First court date on Tuesday.<br />I'm feeling... dissatisfied.<br />You know, when everything has gone as well as it should have, and nothing is wrong, but somehow something feels... off?<br />And your chest feels tight, and your brain is going 150 miles per hour, and everything is strangely clear and uncomfortable...<br />I need something to make things a little less clear. A drink, or a pill, or even some weed.<br />Anything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:41494 2009-06-02T03:53:11Z 2009-06-02T03:53:11Z Does anyone know sign language? Because I'm feeling really frustrated.<br />There is a 6 year old boy in my day care who is deaf. And I only know a really tiny amount of sign language. And although we're doing ok with me pantomiming and stuff, I can tell he gets frustrated when he gets excited about something and is trying to tell me a story, and I only get a few words of it.<br />I'm watching all sorts of sign language movies (made for kids, of course, and Shiloh is learning faster than me) but I just can't keep up.<br /><br />I'm honestly kind of resentful that my boss put me in this situation at all. I'm in a classroom with a deaf boy, a boy with cerebral palsy, and a girl with only one arm. And while each of those things are just challenges that I could work with, having to figure them all out at once is really difficult.<br /><br />How do you stop a boy who is blind and in a wheelchair with no control of his limbs from crying? He can't speak, so he can't explain what's wrong. And I guess there are things that work well with him, but I haven't ever had the one-on-one time to learn them.<br /><br />How do you communicate with a really bright little boy who can't hear you?<br /><br />How do you navigate around a girl who is really sensitive to her disability, while still giving her any neccesary help?<br /><br />And how do you deal with all of these unique things and still make sure to be attentive and fair to all the other "normal" kids?<br /><br />I wish I had been given some training. I wish I hadn't just been shoved in a room all by myself from day one, and expected to figure it out. I love kids, but I'm just feeling a little inept! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:41334 2009-05-28T04:14:22Z 2009-05-28T04:14:22Z It's a good thing I love my job.<br />Because seriously, when you have 14 4-year-olds cooped up in the same room all day, and it's been raining for 48 hours and you can't be loud because the babies in the next room are taking a nap... you need patience.<br />It was one of those horrible days at work, where every so often all of us teachers would find ourselves sticking our heads out our doors and saying "Please remind me that I love what I do!" because literally every kid was bouncing off the walls today.<br />Not to mention that I still had to work at the Y early this morning, then go to Attic, then to court, and then finally to my actual job. I was burnt out before I even got there.<br /><br />I love working with kids. I love working with kids.<br />And really, I do! I just grumble because in general I like to complain here where no one actually hears me.<br />Except anyone who reads this, I guess. Sorry I'm a whiner. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:41027 2009-05-24T00:20:16Z 2009-05-24T00:20:16Z i've been instructed by my lawyer to not really say anything. but i need to get it off my chest. so, google search me.<br />i'm an idiot. i'm probably going to prison.<br />if i get charged, i won't ever get a teaching job. so what's the point of even signing up for college classes right now, if it won't do me any good?<br />i won't be able to move out. i might lose my job. i'll be on probation for years.<br />and i deserve it. thats the worst part. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:40826 2009-05-20T03:22:33Z 2009-05-20T03:22:33Z Last final done tomorrow.<br />Last day working 2 jobs June 9th.<br />Last day of Godspell June 21st.<br /><br />And when all that's done, The only commitments left are my full time job and Shiloh! Oh, man, I can hardly wait. I don't know what I'll do with all my free time.<br />Probably sleep. I miss sleeping. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:40587 2009-05-11T02:09:11Z 2009-05-11T02:09:11Z Ok. So. I wrote this same exact thing in my livejournal when I was 16.<br /><br />I miss sex.<br /><br />Bad.<br /><br />I know, I'm a girl with loose morals, but anyone wanna have casual sex? I'm totally open to it, I just need to get laid! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:40388 2009-04-24T03:49:00Z 2009-04-24T03:49:00Z Godspell practices are in full swing. Three hours of dancing a night is killing me, but damn if I'm not going to be in shape by the time this show is over!<br />Although judging by the amount of limping I'm doing right now, it might be a while before I am not in pain at all times.<br />Our cast is actually looking pretty good, we can all sing, we can all dance (to at least some extent, none of us are natural dancers I don't think...) and we're all the outgoing, obnoxious people that are needed to make the show rock.<br /><br />I'm exhausted though, things are piling up and I'm kind of going into destruct mode. New job, finals and term projects ect, and Godspell (and of course Shiloh, who has gotten expontentially more difficult to deal with in the past few weeks: I'm told its a stage every kid hits around 2 1/2 but geez is it frustrating). <br />TOO MUCH STUFF!!!!<br /><br />Can't wait till summer. I'll still have the job, which will then become full time, but at least the school and the show will be over giving me some free time (hopefully...) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:40038 2009-04-22T15:52:19Z 2009-04-22T15:52:19Z It's nice out today. Sunny, but not too warm yet, and I'm home skipping school and just enjoying the weather. I feel sort of guilty, but thinking about the summer ahead of me I just can't find any time to myself so I need these little breaks.<br /><br />I met Holly (Rachel's roommate). Although I can't say whether she's as bad as she's made out to be, as she mostly just ignored us the whole time. She wouldn't eat sushi though, or have a drink. So those are strikes against her!<br /><br />School is almost over! I'm counting down. Although when school is over, then I have to work full time this summer. And I'm kinda thinking it's gonna be miserable. I mean, I love working with kids, I'm gonna like my job, but I'm nervous about how my schedule is going to be and I'm (of course) freaking out in advance about something that I cannot change and that may not even be bad!<br /><br />Anyway, happy Earth Day, and everyone go outside all day and enjoy! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:39861 2009-04-21T20:12:48Z 2009-04-21T20:12:48Z So it's really cruddy outside. And as much as that should suck, I'm kind of ok with it! It's the perfect kind of cruddy day that makes me want to curl up with a book and a glass of whiskey in bed. And that's probably what I'm going to do.<br /><br />Although of course, later on tonight I have play practice. Where I will spend hours getting nothing done, since the directors are too busy being pleased with their own cleverness to actually do anything.<br /><br />And then, time with Rachel. Hurray for sushi! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:39665 2009-04-13T00:06:46Z 2009-04-13T00:06:46Z Massive amounts of Easter candy + 2 year old who took a short nap today = Mommy with the patience of a saint, but who might need divine intervention soon!<br /><br />Seriously, if that kid doesn't go to bed in the next half hour, I'm prolly gonna throw him against a wall. He bit me. Hard. And then giggled as I screamed.<br /><br />AGGGGHHH. <br />Everyone, use a condom. Babies are cute and all, but on days like this you might want to shoot them. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:39248 2009-04-10T18:16:36Z 2009-04-10T18:16:36Z date night tonight.<br />That's right, you heard correctly, I'm going on a date. <br />Not that I'm extremely hopeful for it, but at least I'm trying, right?<br />This guy has been extremely nice to me, and has been trying for ages to get with me. So one night can't hurt, right? At least it will be fun, and a distraction from all the stressful crap in my life.<br /><br />Speaking of stressful, I got a new job. At Wonderfully Made day care center, and this summer it will be a full time position! Unfortunately, they already want me working 5 hours every day during school. And with school and homework and work and Shiloh, and Godspell on top of that, I predict a meltdown in the near future! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:39067 2009-04-03T14:26:07Z 2009-04-03T14:26:07Z I'm already sick of school. One week was not a long enough break. I feel kinda miserable, things are just not how they should be and I can't seem to accept that.<br />At some point I'll pull myself out of this. I hope.<br />It doesn't help that Colin is blissfully ignorant of how much he hurts me every time I'm near him.<br />Ugh. This will get better. It's just taking a while. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:38657 2009-03-26T03:06:23Z 2009-03-26T03:06:23Z I'm leaving tomorrow for Peace Jam, man!<br />I'm so frickin pumped I can't sleep. Or clean. Or really do anything productive.<br />I get to meet Adolfo Perez Esquivel, an activist in Argentina who won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work during the revolution. Now he is an anti-war activist and I GET TO MEET HIM!!!<br />I get to go to St. Paul, hang out with friends, have no Shiloh responsibilities for 4 days, hang out with hippies, dude I can't stand it I'm so excited.<br />And the best part, I'm a mentor. I get to lead high school kids and help them and...<br />Oh man. I just can't handle how good this weekend might be.<br />I'm hoping this grabs me out of the slump I've been in. I think I might have so much fun that I can distract myself from all the horrible shit that's been going on in my life.<br />Anyway, AAAHHHHH!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:38507 2009-03-22T05:50:59Z 2009-03-22T05:50:59Z You think if I get drunk for enough nights in a row I'll end up not needing to anymore?<br />It's been probably a week since I went without a drink for 24 hours. Thats not like me.<br />I mean, I drink.<br />I always drink.<br />But this week, it's a little extreme. Seriously, I'm concerned.<br />Maybe if I wasn't so lonely. I hate being alone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:38286 2009-03-21T01:37:12Z 2009-03-21T01:37:12Z Stressful week. Midterms, family drama, stress about Colin (which is hopefully over now, as I hate bitching about relationships.)<br /><br />But, it's finally over! Took my last midterm today, pretty much blew it but nothing I can do about it now.<br />And tonight, Rach'ms birthday party! Everyone to my place. Have fun!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mandiloo:37683 2009-03-16T13:59:48Z 2009-03-16T13:59:48Z I've got myself involved in too many things. My schedule is so hectic that I'm literally scheduled to do something from 6:45 am till 9 pm. I can't do a 14 hour day, it's just insane!<br /><br />I think I'm going to have to cut out being the rehearsal pianist for Children of Eden, it's that couple of hours every day that's tipping me over the edge.<br /><br />I've been so anxious that I'm paralyzed recently. I don't know if anyone else gets like this, but when I get too nervous about things I just am petrified with worry and can't get anything done because I'm too busy freaking out.<br />I haven't been sleeping, I've been taking ridiculous amounts of Tylenol PM to knock me out every night (which is just silly) and I'm thinking about asking my doctor for a real sleeping pill because as of right now I can't sleep without being on some sort of drug to slow my brain down. (Alcohol works too, but drinking myself to sleep doesn't seem like a good idea lol)<br /><br />Anyway, midterms this week. And auditions for Godspell. After that, spring break! Which I desperately need. Thank God I'm almost there, only 4 more days to get through.